I’ve been procrastinating on writing a journal entry to start off the year on good footing, but I’ve also been busy this entire month sorting out some requirements for my new job. Apart from general laziness, I also found it a little difficult to really have anything to want to write about that doesn’t feel contrived to me. But I don’t want to go back on my resolutions for the new year before I’ve even gotten to start, so in a last ditch attempt to save myself from letting myself down I looked at writing prompts and themes for my first entry of the year. So, that’s what I’ll stick to.

I’m kind of doubtful that I’ll be able to finish writing this before the month ends because there’s so much to fill in but I’ll try my best! (If I could even remember half of all the things that went down in 2020, that is…)

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Write down one word to describe your 2020

Life-altering. I don’t think there’s any other way to describe it other than that. And I guess I also speak for everyone after the world seemed to stop for everyone because of the pandemic.

My biggest challenge of 2020 was…

Re-learning how to adapt. I think that it was so easy for me to have lost myself and gone down a dark path last year, to go past the point of no return because that humdrum of a year seemed to have laid traps for me every few steps or so. Riding with the tide seemed to be the most logical path to take, but I also acknowledge the fact that I’m speaking from a a place of privilege because we are still relatively well-off despite everything. I’ve also mentioned this in past journal entries but I never truly realized the pain of losing your job until I did. I think that posed a lot of challenges for me, and the subsequent lull of job-hunting did not help my case.

3 lessons that 2020 taught me

1. I should never take my physical well-being and health for granted.
2. The right things will come to you in the right time.
3. There is great payoff in waiting.

2020 was the year that I…

2020 was the year that I decided that I wanted to get to know myself better (sounds vague but I’ll probably expand on this in future entries!). This was also the year that I finally mustered up enough courage to rebuild my wardrobe (I’m still currently in the process of this.) and dressing myself the way I’ve always envisioned. It’s really helped me regain my confidence and has helped me feel a bit more comfortable in my own skin.

I’m proud of the way that I… in 2020

I’m proud of the way that I practiced resilience in 2020. Like I’ve already said earlier, I did not think I could have successfully pulled off a strong finish last year. I didn’t think I had the fortitude that was demanded of me to have survived 2020. I guess my will to live won out in the end.

I allow myself to grieve the fact that I…

I allow myself to grieve the fact that I have yet lost another year to things that I cannot control. I’ve always talked about grieving and being resentful that I’ve lost so many years and my early twenties to mental illness. Now, it feels like I’m losing my late twenties to a pandemic, but it’s a thing that I could neither control nor stop. All I can really do is live in the moment and choose not to dwell on my losses for too long. After all, I don’t believe that everything 2020 brought me were nothing but losses and grievances.

I allow myself to celebrate the fact that I…

I allow myself to celebrate the fact that I am growing up and in the process of accepting the pains of growth. I think I haven’t really had the desire to live before. But now, I think I am ready to recognize that I want to live and live my life the way I want to. I know it will take a lot of time and hard work to get the life I want to live, and that will also involve a lot of figuring things out – mainly with how I want to direct my life anyway – but I’m ready for that. I don’t want to deprive myself of choices any longer.

I forgive myself for…

I forgive myself for not taking the chances presented to me last year. There were several opportunities that were laid out in front of me last year that I let slip from my grasp out of fear and insecurity. And simply because I felt that I wasn’t ready for it, and that I wanted more than I was going to get for it. And that’s okay. I wouldn’t be where I am now if I had jumped in blindly for those chances.

3 beautiful moments that stand out to me from 2020 are…

I wouldn’t call them beautiful but some of the most standout memories for me include dyeing my hair all the colors that I wanted. I sacrificed the health of my scalp and hair forever for it, but eh. I think it was worth it. At some point last year, my hair was this really beautiful shade of cherry blossom pink, and then I changed it to a vibrant mermaid teal. I actually miss it!

I couldn’t have done 2020 without…

My family. I don’t think I could ever survive without my mom, especially. Getting seriously sick made me realize that it’s really hard to live alone. I’m so lucky to have been living with my family during that time because I couldn’t have taken care of myself as well as they did me.

I think a lot of the credit also goes to my friends, both ones in my immediate circle and ones I’ve met online. It’s hard enough with the pandemic disrupting normal socialization, but keeping in touch with my friends has been so essential to keeping sane. I also don’t have too many friends in the first place so it means even a lot more to me that I get to keep my circle intact.

5 goals I’d like to achieve in 2021 are…

I haven’t thought much about it (I’ve been sitting on it for too long, aaahhh my bad habits) but I’ll try right now.

1. Lose at least 5kg within 6 months.
2. One episode per month for TGIB
3. Finish 12 books this year. For real!
4. Finish my Japanese Duolingo courses.
5. Figure out my life plan for the next three years! Write a journal entry on this.
6. Have 100k in my savings by the end of the year!

3 things I’d like to open my heart to this year.

1. Growth never comes without pain. Sometimes, I take things too personally and I want to learn how to take criticism as just that — criticism for my own sake and improvement. This is in regard to my work and my writing.
2. Figuring out how to live with myself. I can be a little too idealistic with the idea of romance and relationships and while I haven’t had much experience in that area, I’ve always yearned for those concepts in my life. I think it’s stunted my own views on love and made me hinge my ideals on one person which could be unfair? Both to me and my future partner. I think it’s important that I learn how to open my heart to the idea that most of the time, it’s going to be just me and myself alone.
3. Going off the same tangent in number 2, I also have to open my heart to the idea that love may come to me when I least expect it, and possibly with someone I won’t come to expect either. If it happens, then it happens. I’ll just keep my options and my doors open to anything and everything! No more hiding behind insecurities and superficial ideals.

3 things I’d like to try this year.

1. Creating a system for myself. Goal-setting is important, but I once heard that systems are far more effective in getting things done. It’s an on-going project, actually. But I’ll try to keep you (and myself) updated.
2. I’d like to try and put into practice something I keep telling myself but never do: Letting myself write the bad things so that I can write good things. Which means more writing to be had!
3. I want to try to get to know more people! I’m an introvert through and through but I also want to learn more and people have so many stories inside of them that I want to expose myself to them! I think it’d be fun, but may prove to be a bit of a challenge given the current climate of the world. But it’s a goal for now! If it doesn’t work out, then I’ll just move on and think of another goal, hehe.

What qualities do you want to take from 2020 into 2021?

Resilience and flexibility!

What’s your word for 2021? What would you like it to bring you?

It’s not exactly a word, but there’s this latin phrase that I love and I’d like to bring with me into 2021 and for many more years to come because it speaks of living up to your potential and remaining steadfast in the face of adversity. Or at least, that’s how I interpret it.

incepto ne desistam. Which means, may I never shrink from my purpose, whatever that purpose may be.

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That finally brings this entry to a close! This has certainly been quite a challenge to write. But I’m still glad to have made it here. I’m running on my self-imposed deadline which is why I actually feel a bit harried writing this, but if I think of something, I’ll just change things up or whatever. This doesn’t feel like much of a new year post to me because it’s already February 1st as I’m finishing this up, but I do start at my new job today!

So, that’s still a beginning of sorts. Thank you if you got up to this point, hehe. I’ll write again soon. Cheers!

Like a thousand other ABS-CBN employees, it was my last day on the job on August 31. Even after having three months to mull over it, I still don’t have much to say. I don’t even have much to feel right now. Perhaps aside from overwhelming gratefulness and love.

ABS-CBN has always been my dream company. For many years, I was always just looking from a distance, and hoping for the chance to work for ABS-CBN. (You can probably imagine how excited I was when I was first applying for a job.)

And finally, getting that fateful call from them that I had been accepted was the rush of a lifetime. Now, I can say that working for ABS-CBN is my badge of honor and pride forever.

So, thank you. Thank you for being the fulfillment of my dreams.

I am very, very thankful for the opportunity, the privilege, and the honor to have been part of your Kapamilya culture.

But more than the building and the institution, I think it is more important to thank and pay tribute to the people that have kept and keep this mammoth of a company running.

Thank you to Miss Anna, Miss Jingle, and Ate Rocky for taking me in and welcoming me to your family. Thank you for recognizing my skills and talents as worthy of being put to use, and for accepting me into your wonderful team of people. Like what I’ve always said to you before, thank you for seeing our worth not just as employees, but also as people and individuals.

Thank you to all our QCs and editors for your guidance. Thank you for pushing me to go beyond my limits and for mentoring me. Thank you to all the wonderful people I’ve come to call my friends for the wonderful memories and your warm companionship.

And lastly, I would just like to say that this isn’t just about me because I am but one of thousands of other people working for ABS-CBN who have lost their jobs. It is also about the issue of defending press freedom in these dark times.

To everyone who’s now scrambling for means to keep themselves and their families afloat, my heart goes out to each and every one of you. I wish I had more than just words to offer, pero gaya ng nakagawian na sa ABS-CBN, kapit lang, Kapamilya. Isang mahigpit na yakap.

Thank you for allowing me to be in the service of the Filipino.