moonlit

December 7, 2020

no matter how hard i try to deny your existence and what we shared together, the witness marks are indelible, carved in deep and permanent and they leave hollow spaces in my chest. i hadn’t really noticed them before until it was too late. exactly like clockwork, you run once again inside my head on mornings that seem to have bled out from the night.

large in part the reason i can’t seem to let you go is probably because i am stupidly, and persistently optimistic. my fingers refuse to unfurl, disallowing me from slowly unwrapping the fastenings and untangling whatever ties you’ve got me holding onto, with a breath of quiet finality.

it never really comes in the end.

maybe because there is a fantasy that i keep close to me. it’s where i often find myself when my mind drifts.

it’s a warm day. i’m lying on your chest, with your arms wrapped securely around my shoulders — i remember wanting to do this before but i was always a coward. (i never did know how to ask for affection even when i most wanted it.) the weak light of the late afternoon sun streams in from the windows barred up by your roommate’s bunk bed. but it’s enough light that i could see your sleeping face so close to mine.

if i could have just traversed that sparse distance between your mouth and mine, then everything would’ve been alright with the world. (at least in mine.)

i never do.

ikaw at ako

November 1, 2020

pababa na ang sikat ng araw at malalim ang hugot ng mga magkakadikit na anino. ang mundo nila’y nakakulong sa isang bulabok at parang inilublob sa pulot.

tahimik at payapa sa gitna ng bisig ng kanyang minamahal.

malayo ang nilakbay ni donghyuck, tumawid sa ibayo ng malalayong lupain, oras, at dagat.

habang nakahiga sa matatag na hita ng minamahal, isang buntong-hininga ang pinakawalan ni sybill. taon at buwan ang kanilang hinintay para sa natatanging sandaling ito.

hinaplos ni donghyuck ang buhok ni sybill at napangiti ito. ang bawat galaw ay pinaka-iingatan, ikinukubli sa sarili at ayaw nang pakawalan pa.

“hanggang kailan ka dito?” tanong ng isa.

isang marahan na tawa ang isinagot ni donghyuck. “may oras pa tayo. gusto mo na ba akong umalis agad?”

inilatag ni sybill ang paa niya sa sopa at inirapan si donghyuck. “pwede ka namang umalis na kung gusto mo. tahimik dito, kaya dito lang ako.”

“ahh, kung sa bagay nga naman. dito na lang siguro ako titira.”

napatingin si sybill sa kanya. parang tumama ang araw sa mukha ni donghyuck — halos nakasisilaw kung tititigan. “anong ibig mong sabihin? hindi ka na aalis?”

parang isang alaalang maglalaho na lang sa hangin ang sandaling iyon kung hihinga nang mali si sybill.

“hindi. dito lang ako, kung gugustuhin mo.”

ang mga pintig ng kanilang mga puso ay nagsimulang tumugma sa isa’t isa.

“dito ka lang. ayokong umalis ka pa.”

a farewell

September 5, 2020

Like a thousand other ABS-CBN employees, it was my last day on the job on August 31. Even after having three months to mull over it, I still don’t have much to say. I don’t even have much to feel right now. Perhaps aside from overwhelming gratefulness and love.

ABS-CBN has always been my dream company. For many years, I was always just looking from a distance, and hoping for the chance to work for ABS-CBN. (You can probably imagine how excited I was when I was first applying for a job.)

And finally, getting that fateful call from them that I had been accepted was the rush of a lifetime. Now, I can say that working for ABS-CBN is my badge of honor and pride forever.

So, thank you. Thank you for being the fulfillment of my dreams.

I am very, very thankful for the opportunity, the privilege, and the honor to have been part of your Kapamilya culture.

But more than the building and the institution, I think it is more important to thank and pay tribute to the people that have kept and keep this mammoth of a company running.

Thank you to Miss Anna, Miss Jingle, and Ate Rocky for taking me in and welcoming me to your family. Thank you for recognizing my skills and talents as worthy of being put to use, and for accepting me into your wonderful team of people. Like what I’ve always said to you before, thank you for seeing our worth not just as employees, but also as people and individuals.

Thank you to all our QCs and editors for your guidance. Thank you for pushing me to go beyond my limits and for mentoring me. Thank you to all the wonderful people I’ve come to call my friends for the wonderful memories and your warm companionship.

And lastly, I would just like to say that this isn’t just about me because I am but one of thousands of other people working for ABS-CBN who have lost their jobs. It is also about the issue of defending press freedom in these dark times.

To everyone who’s now scrambling for means to keep themselves and their families afloat, my heart goes out to each and every one of you. I wish I had more than just words to offer, pero gaya ng nakagawian na sa ABS-CBN, kapit lang, Kapamilya. Isang mahigpit na yakap.

Thank you for allowing me to be in the service of the Filipino.

happy father’s day!

June 25, 2020

Every year, it gets harder and harder to choose a photo of dad that I can use for my yearly birthday/father’s day/death anniversary tribute post for him, because there are very I can choose from.

June is always a difficult month for me and I get emotional during random times of the day because Father’s Day and his death anniversary are close and are usually only a few days apart from each other. This June 24th will be his 12th year, but even though it’s been twelve years since then, it hasn’t gotten any easier or any less painful than the first time.

And with every year that passes, I’m scared of what will happen when the number of years he’s been gone eclipses and outnumbers the years that I had with him.

In that photo alone, I was the same age as him when it was taken. It’s funny thinking about it. I don’t feel quite as old as I think he looks like in there. I don’t really know how to grapple with the fact that I might surpass his age and be older than he will ever be.

I still miss him a lot. There are times when I still can’t stop thinking about how different life would have been if he were still with us. I’m grateful for everything that mom has done for us in dad’s absence, but I think it would be nice to have a complete family again.

I wish I could give him one final hug. I wish I could take one last long look at him, so I will never be able to forget how my father looked like.

So, please. If you’re reading this, kindly hug and kiss your dad for me because I don’t have one I could hug or kiss anymore.

And take more photos of them and with them. It’s one thing I really wish I had done more often when he was still alive.

Happy father’s day to your dad!